Never again will I be blessed
Beside my darling wife to lie.
Never now will my love, expressed,
Bring gladness to my daughter’s eye.
Never more beneath the blue sky
Will, with my son, I stand and stare.
Never more, now, for I must die
And leave behind a grieving share
Turning, stopping, fully aware
Of my full vicious, feline foe,
Her claws, protracted, slash and tear
And spill my life upon the snow.
Now, never will I feel fear, sore,
But be at peace for ever more.
I like this. There are only two things I would suggest-1. Unless you are trying to emphasize "will" I think it would sound better to take it out in the third line ex. "Never now my love, expressed." 2. Same thing in line 13, but I would put another word in place of will--nevermore, never...something else. Just because both of those times "will" seems to negate the feeling of the poem. Other than that I really like it, and the only reason why those criticisms pop up is because the mood of the poem is so good. Nice!
ReplyDeleteAs always, I put these up here because I WANT criticism, so keep it coming!
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