I stand within a forest, dark and wild,
Filled to the brim with every living thing.
And looking on their home so meak and mild,
I do, within, assert that I am king.
King of the dark earth, and of the bright sky
Lord. For, now, I have made the earth my throne,
And the clouds are my crown as with Sanai.
I am man, the ruler of all, alone.
The earth doth tremble at my fearsome gaze,
And flowers bend deep before my vicious breath,
The very sky darkens and forms a haze,
Lest I should turn my baleful ire towards death.
And then in th’ midst of my triumphant laugh
The tornado comes, and rips me in half.
Wow. It's definitely intense-and you are better at formal poetry than I am--so I can't really do much with the form--but the only things I would suggest is a hyphen at sky and before Lord---to emphasize it-without a punctuation it could be seen as enjambment and I don't think that's how you want it. And....I was going to say you should have another syllable at the end after half but the ending the way you have it drops off just at the moment when the speaker is ripped in half and it's perfect...so I take it back even though I didn't say it.
ReplyDeleteI really like the moment when you say "I am man" it's powerful and vivid. And your imagery throughout is crazy awesome(and I mean that inn the truly "awe"some sense :) ) Also, like I came close to saying before I really like the Sidneyian turn at the very end-DEFINITELY works. Shocked me at least!
Overall-good work!